Quarter Life Crisis

I guess, quarter life crisis is a real shit now.

Now that i reach the age of 25 - the quarter life, everything about quarter life crisis seems relateable.


Yes. That crisis that makes you confuse about your life. Like who are you, where is your place in the society, why my life so miserable, why am i so poor, etc. Confuse if what i am doing right now is actually the right thing and is it really something worth my time?


I think quarter life crisis is actually worst than teenager puberty, where they usually seeking about their true shelves.
Like, Nope.
Teenager still have no idea about life. They just confusing what trend they should follow, idols, copying friends, etc.


I start to think my time is running out. Why am i 25 already??? Damn. I don't have "real job" that that really paid me.
Meanwhile before, when i was student, i realize working life will be hard, but the reality is harder: i can't even get a job!!

I start to think, i'm useless. Why no company want me? Is it supposed to be this hard to get a proper office job? Am i really that bad?
I know getting job isn't about your academic score (which is i'm a lil bit proud of), but am i really that bad for work? Communication? People who communicate worst than me, found a proper job.
I don't understand...

My time is running out, i'm getting old, yet i don't have anything.
Yes, it does. I really think i don't have anything to survive my life.
All of these that i do right now, is it really will help me to live a life till forever?

I don't have skill, experience, friends, boss, co-worker, etc that most of my friend naturally having at this age.
I'm just getting older uselessly.

I don't have friend to hangout with - which i would get if i have a job.
I don't have skills & experience - which very useful, if only i have a real job, at least i can be expert at one thing. In case i have to life outside Bali, few years from now, i have skills to get a job.

Age 25.
No skills. No job. No money.
Me.

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An Egoist

If you keep saying someone is an egoist, isn't that make you an egoist too?

Because you are too busy thinking about how egoist is that person, you forget to examine yourself. 

----

Kamu terlalu cepat berpikir bahwa seseorang itu egois. Tidak mengerti, tidak memahamimu. Mengapa orang itu tidak mengerti bahwa yang kamu lalui saat ini sangat berat?
Bagaimanapun kamu berpikir bahwa kamu harus bisa ditoleransi apapun situasinya.

Mungkinkah kamu lupa bahwa orang itu juga orang?
Spesialnya, dia adalah orang yang telah mengerti dan memahamimu tahunan lamanya. Dia mengerti hal-hal yang penting bagimu dan bersabar.

Sekali lagi, mungkinkah kamu lupa bahwa orang itu juga orang?
Bagaimana jika dia memberikan penantiannya padamu, namun semua yang kamu lihat adalah keegoisannya ketika satu dua kali ia mengeluh dalam sepotong dua potong kalimat?

Kamu sekali lagi memerlukan pengertian dan dukungan karena hari-hari kian berat, orang itu sekali lagi memahaminya.

Nampaknya ada yang terlupakan.
Lalu siapa yang akan memahami orang itu ketika ia mengeluh?
Dia tidak bisa mengeluh padamu, karena potongan keluhan yang keluar dari mulutnya merupakan wujud 'pemberontakan' bagimu.
Memberontak berarti orang itu ternyata tidak mengerti dirimu.
Pemberontakan tidak bisa ditoleransi olehmu. Bagaiamana bisa?!
Bebanmu begitu berat dan padat, menyangkut hidup dan matimu, tidak ada seorang pun yang boleh menambahkan beban lagi.

Yang kamu butuhkan saat ini adalah dorongan dan pengertian.
Ini tidak adil, orang itu sangat egois.
Kamu sudah memberi banyak hal pada orang itu, orang yang kamu harapkan dukungannya.
Tapi yang ia berikan malah sebuah pemberontakan di hari yang penting seperti ini.

Baiklah.

Mengapa kamu berpikir hanya kamu yang telah memberi banyak hal? Tidakkah dia juga memberi banyak? Atau kamu tidak pernah mengganggapnya begitu?

Apakah sepotong keluhan berarti dia tidak mendukungmu? Tidakkah ada jutaan dukungan dalam ribuan hari belakangan? Atau kamu tidak pernah menganggapnya begitu?

Bahkan tulisan inipun adalah bentuk pemberontakan bagimu, yang menunjukkan bahwa orang itu ternyata masih tidak mengerti kesulitanmu.

Inilah alasan mengapa orang itu tidak pernah bisa mengungkapkan sepotong keluhannya.

Karena tak sedikitpun keluhan dapat kamu terima tanpa menunjukkan amarah.

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9 Years Anniversary - "How can you both last so long?"

Hi, this is me again!

As usual, this is not a perfect day to write a blog.
But i need someone to read this...
Biasalah #edisibaper

June 12th 2017

9th Year Anniversary 

***

Wuuuu... so happy and proud. Some marriages even last only few months, but we manage
to stay together for this long. Tau sih ini bukan ukuran kesukesan, kebahagiaan atau pencapaian gitu, tapi tetep rasanya spesial. Liat sendiri, nggak semua orang punya cukup kesabaran, pemahaman, untuk bisa punya long time relationship.

This is also why i have this question asked like thousand times:

"How can you both last so long?"

I have various answer, which maybe...  none of them is the truth.

I don't know what about him, but i have no other reason.
It's because i love him.

I don't know how or when, but the love grow each day, each year. Till i realize, i
love him more than last year, more and more.
I think i have arrived to a point, where i can go insane if he's no longer by my side. I mean, i'm only 24 but i've spent 9 years with him. Growing up as an ordinary ugly teenager, to a more mature and an educated person, we've been there for each other.

How does it feel to have long time relationship?

Jadi....

Waw. 9 tahun.
To be honest, memang nggak sebentar. Kadang dibilang, wah gak kerasa ya udah 9 tahun.
No. Kerasa banget kok. Dicek aja kumpulan foto pacaran dari dulu sampe sekarang sudah berapa GB habisin memori, sudah berapa tempat dikunjungin bareng, dan lain-lain. 9 tahun itu nggak sebentar, we have more memories than you think 😂. He's now part of my life.

Bosen? Sejujurnya, enggak.
Justru sebaliknya, i love him even more.
Gimana sama sifat buruknya? Sejujurnya juga, sekarang sudah sampe di titik dimana paham kok, orang mana ada yang sepenuhnya baik. Even myself have countless flaw, and he is able to be patient about it. Yang pasti, dia jadi orang yang lebih baik tahun demi tahun, jadi nggak ada alasan untuk pergi karena beberapa hal buruk.
Aku sendiri banyak jeleknya. Haha. Kalo belakangan ini yang sering bikin dia kezel itu kayaknya: egois, baperan, dan "cemburu aja kerjanya". Maap kalo salah, namanya juga introspeksi yak.
Hmmm....
Kalo kata qoutes:

"Love isn't finding a perfect person.

It's seeing imperfect person perfectly"

This is truth. Kadang terpikir, kenapa punya pacar kayak dia rasanya perfect?
Kind hearted person, down to earth, good responsibility, a loyal man. He makes a perfect boyfriend, even a perfect husband.

Do love need a reason?

Kalau memang nggak perlu alasan, okay, karna memang dipikir-pikir, how can i love this man so much? Nggak ada jawaban yang tepat. Why do i love him? I don't know, i just do.
Kalau memang perlu alasan, okay, ada sejuta alasan juga. Why do i love him? Yang disebut tadi adalah beberapa diantaranya, ada banyak lagi, ditulis di sebuah tulisan terpisah yang tidak ada di blog ini. Hehe.

Rasanya dia sendiri pernah penasaran. Hihi... So i will tell you some in this post.

I LOVE YOU, BECAUSE...

1. You let me cry in your arms. Hug me tight, and listen to what i have to say when i am sad or mad. 
2. You did a lot of effort for me. I mean, a lot. Driving for hours and hundreds kilometer... Meskipun siang, meskipun malem. Meskipun  naik mobil, meskipun naik motor. Meskipun abis jaga, meskipun abis soap. Meskipun macet, meskipun enggak. Meskipun dari Lawang, meskipun dari Malang. But... you still come...
3. You still love me despite my physical appearance. To be honest, you know, i am far from beautiful, right?
4. We laugh at people together! Pekak-pekak lagi pedicure, karyawan nyebelin, taxi yang nyupirnya seneb, dadong-dadong menor, emak-emak ngotot mau leci tea sama empal, kaiju-kaiju banyak gaya, dan banyaaak lainnyaaa. Hahaha
5. You're smart and positive man ;D I only attracted to a man who is smarter than me ;D 
6. You have wide shoulders *kyaaaaa. Salah satu hal favorit di dunia ini: lay down on your shoulders. Yap.
7. You make me feel that i've done something big. Bagi orang-orang, Amigurumi mungkin biasa aja, but you keep saying i'm cool, i'm amazing. Makes me feel great :)
8. You love your family :) Someday when i become part of your family, i hope you will love me as much :)
9. You are a kind person. Befriend with everyone, helping friend as long you can help. Yaaa.. meskipun sometimes i get jealous over this. You get too kind to everyone, i'm afraid they fall in love with you too (haha. egois yah)
10. ..........................................................

Okay, sembilan dulu ajaa karna anniv ke-9. Hahaha. Ada berpuluh-puluh alasan lain sih di catetan sebenernya. Hihi.

Ever feeling down about this relationship?

Well, iya.
Terlepas dari semua kebahagiaan, ada sekelemit rasa-rasa down.
There's no perfect relationship.
Tapi bukan karena kekurangan satu sama lain, bukan karena apa-apa. Nope.

...........

Tapi kadang, nggak tau sejak kapan..
Kadang rasanya aku bukan siapa-siapa.
Kadang sampai pada pemikiran: am i even anyone to him? Apa dia mempertimbangkan seorang aku ketika mengambil keputusan besar yang berkaitan sama hidupnya?
Karena ketika dia memutuskan sesuatu yang besar, he didn't mention me as one of the reason.
Mostly, karena pertimbangan sistem, pertimbangan kemudahan, pertimbangan ekonomis, pertimbangan keluarga. Kalaupun ada aku di dalam pertimbangan, i am the last priority.
Kayak.. mungkin aku nggak bisa jadi sebuah alasan utama ketika dia memutuskan sesuatu buat hidupnya.

Cause yes, he is really someone to me. My every life decisions, i count him in.

Yes, i want to be someone to him.
Nggak enak punya perasaan bahwa selama 9 tahun, kalau dipikir-pikir ada atau enggaknya aku, hidupnya akan  tetap sebaik saat ini, nggak ada bedanya. If i make no differences, why am i even there?
Kadang mulai terpikir, maybe he never really need me? Maybe i am the one who need him?

He is a great man.
I know he loves me, i know more than anyone.

But somehow... i feel so replaceable... bisa tergantikan.
Sekalipun bukan aku, maybe there still will be another great woman for him (?)

Is it an egoist feeling?

Is it possible to let him go?

No. Never...

Future wishes?

I just wish we can grow to be a better person.
Love each other more. Have less argument. And accomplish what we always wanted without delay and difficulties. But most important, to stay happy and healthy.

I ask him, what's his future wishes?
He answer: rina lebih banyak bersabar dan bersyukur

Hahahah. Okay then, i will try.
Diingetin lagi kalo rina kurang sabar dan kurang bersyukur yaaa

Happy 9th Anniversary

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Knitting! Journey of my first project ever

One big new thing in my life is, i learn how to knit! Haha! XD
Okay, it's not new actually.

I started knitting 2 years ago and so far, only finished 2 scarves, and an ugly coin pouch (the scarves were awesome but the pouch was ugly AF). Not an awesome achievement at all tho. Haha. It's not that don't want to knit anymore, but it does consume a lot of time. 

So. This happen when i consider what birthday gift should i give to bf. Cause we have such a long time relationship, i started to confuse. We exchange gift like many times, and i thought, what again? T-shirt, shoes, watches, etc? Gave them all already. I started to browse like crazy! Lol

"Birthday gift for boyfriend"

"Unique gifts"

"Gifts based on hobbies"

............

............

Till i found article that advice me to knit. Then i thought, hey why not? Is it that hard? I saw my bestie's sister learn to knit and at that time she was able to knit a sling bag for herself. I thought it shouldn't be that hard.

I started to learn from youtube. I realize actually a lot of people knit! Never thought it would be an activity that many people do. A lot of youtubers upload an easy and simple way to start knitting. They might have different way but all work anyway so i just picked the clearest one i can understand.. After watched like 10 videos and i decided to work on scarf. Only straight line and no pattern. My bestie's sister even recommend to just work on scarf first. She was also quite sure that it won't failed. 

Ok. I trust myself, and start to buy the needle and yarn.

Went to yarn store but as it was a small store, there were not so many kind of yarn to choose. I want a big fluffy yarn. I was clueless about what yarn is suitable for scarves. My imagination took me to a soft, warm and fluffy scarf (i mean, Korean Drama in winter shows me that warm thick scarf sis!)  Think about logic again, why do Surabaya people need that kind of scarf. We're dying out of hotness every single day -__- . For sure the yarn didn't meet my expectation. But since there were no choice, i ended up bought few rolls of gray cotton yarn.

Chunnie with scarf on I Miss You :* I have this kind of expectation. Haha

First, i did some loops to make sure i really able to do this. Haha. I was totally clueless, and on my first trial, the result wasn't neat at all. The worst part was, i didn't realize i do "increase" stitch! I started with like 5 or 6 stitches, but as i go it ended up with 10 something stitches. Lol. Imagine it shape like a triangle. And i was like: is it really like this? I do it like the video. Why it ended up like panties? Ewwh.

I went to my bestie's sister to consult about this problem, and she was amazed cause i literally did increase stitch. Haha.

Anyway, i started to try another one with the same grey cotton yarn. Surprisingly, i did decrease stitch -___- . Where the hell was my mind? It was really ugly, and i start to doubt the yarn will produce a good scarf.

I didn't give up tho. Haha.
I browse online like crazy. Tried to buy yarn and learn which yarn for what. Few days of research till i found an online store with bunch of yarn, and affordable. Yuhuuuuu~~~ But the most important thing, i found a little bit chunkier yarn in this online store. Which is, of course, satisfy me more than the small gray cotton yarn. I choose bulky yarn with dark brown color.


I was super excited even when waiting the yarn to be arrived in my hand! Lol.
I started knitting as soon as the yarn arrived.
Aaaaaand.... did a super good job with the yarn. Haha!

I knitted super slow tho. As i didn't want to make a mistake and restarted this project. Sometimes the stitches were too loose and too tight, but my bestie's sister already told me before that those problem will happen, so it was just normal.

But when there were wrong stitches it literally will ruin the pattern of the scarf. So if i realize my mistake, i took of the wrong stitches, and stitches them again. What often happen, i only realized my mistake after few stitches more done. So i need to stitches more than i should. The worst part is if i only realize my mistake after few rows T___T
Such a hurtful truth.

Anyway, i only took some photos after fiinished like 1/4 of the scarf

dark brown bulky yarn, and half way to finished :D  

Seriously it does need a lot of time just to make 1/4 of the scarf. I realize this job really need a persistence person, patient, and not easily bored. Knitting can be quite confusing at first. You need to know exactly which hole you are going to stitch, and make sure the yarn don't go into wrong side. But once your finger master it, you can easily know which hole for which stitch. Some people can even knit while gossiping around .__.

Meanwhile an amateur like me, just do it with full concentration. Haha. I am afraid i'll forget and make a wrong stitch. Stay focus is the key. Also an amateur like me don't know how the yarn should linger in the finger and how the edge of the needle should go. As you can see i am wearing something in m index finger. My finger didn't bleed, it was just it so hurt when the edge stab my finger. And it happened for every stitch T_T

I come with the idea to wrap my finger with tissue or bandage. Just so it won't hurt so much when the needle stab :'

Scarf getting longer :D and my finger getting hurt so much :'o

After so much hurtful stab... and hundreds of stitches.. few rolls of yarn.. and few liter of my sweat XD ... the scarf finished on time :D I was superrrr happy. omg. To be honest i really can't believe myself. I really turn a ball of yarn into something wearable. It was quite neat and soft. Just maybe too wide (?) But still the result satisfy me :D

Trying the scarf for the first time :D tired face but totally happy

Can't wait to see how it looks on bf. Hehe.
Well of course he was very surprise. Like, did you seriously knit this? Did you even knit? How long it takes to finish this? When did you start? :O
I was glad he liked it and always keep the scarf. I know not so many chance to wear them cause Indonesia is such a hot country, sis. At that time he has some plan to travel aboard, and this scarf might come handy. But in the end he didn't have the time to go. So still no chance to wear the scarf.

But then last year (Dec 2015), he went to B29, which is i don't understand and never heard its existence before. You can count this as a mountain climbing. I never thought he would bring it with him, till he sent me some photos :D

Doesn't it looks good on him? Hehe

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Slice of My Heart's (that can't be told to parents)

I just realized that i have a blog. Lol.

Yes it's been a long time since i write (wait no, i didn't even visit).

You know, many things happen. I'd love to write as much as i want the world to know, but time is the most limited thing in this world. Even for an unemployment like me.

This and that happen, and now i'm here at home for holiday since like 2 months ago (?). As usual, my parents expect me to work at office or at the shop. I do everything they ask (at least i think i do, cause yeah, my body really move to do those works). I join the meeting with tax consultant, join seminar here and there, controlling every shops, etc etc. I really think i have done some works. But then today, after 2 months almost end, i was being told:

"Why you do nothing? I told it's up to you to work at accounting, stock or display or anything. But you did nothing all this time"

That was feels like lightning struck in the middle of the day.

I-DID-FUCKN-NOTHING

All i did is nothing counted in my parent's head. All i did is lazying around. All i did is not giving any impact or help for the company.

Other probability is my parent never knew i really did something just because they didn't see it directly with their two own eyes. Is it mean you can judge people easily? We only have 2 eyes in one body, do you expect you need to see everything right in front of your eyes?

Come to think again, i don't even wish to have/get anything. Not even words of appreciation, cause i know my parents wouldn't have it for me. Come to think again, i just need them to recognize me. I really did something and they acknowledge it, that i am able to do something. But i got nothing like that. Not even close.

I need to say i receive so much sarcasm (i can't even count them) regarding how lazy and how stupid and how passive and how i am so useless to the company. But again, this actually don't motivate me to do something better. Let's say i am really useless, but hey, sarcasm don't help. I need instruction, coaching, training, etc to do better. Let's face it, in reality you need those instead a bunch of bullshit sarcasm.

In other time, after so much sarcasm i wish to give up. I start to believe i can't do anything. Should i just be a housewife of a doctor? And live a simple life with my children while waiting for husband to get home?  I don't have any abillity anyway. I am stupid and useless to lead a company.

What's my master education going to do then? Few times... i really think to give up and stop. Other sarcasm about this is:

"What's the use of going college so far away and so long? You should've give any input for the company!"

- while anything i said is being rejected and non sense, they said. I keep trying but appreciation? Of course no. Only hurtful sarcasm.  It hurt so much that i can't forget some of mean words.

While i'm trying to lift my spirit, to not give up, they said something like:

"Now you've grown up, there is no need for us to lead the way anymore. It's up to you what you want to be"

It was also a lightning struck.

As for right now,  i still have regret cause i don't go to Psychology Faculty. I apply to one university but rejected. Feel like trying another but then again,

"Psychology? What the hell you will become!"

So i choose the safe way, Economic Faculty. It's not that i hate this, but i definitely not so into this.

Anyway, if you actually about to say "up to you", why not say it back then when i'm trying for Psychology? Now that i have done with economic, i can't do anything that is "up to you". My only choice is to run this company...

I believe i can't do anything about this. I know my parents work so hard up till now. And i did appreciate it, so much with all of my heart. That's why i'm always trying despite so much sarcasm and so much regret i have in my heart........

Empty Road, Empty Heart

.

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