I just realized that i have a blog. Lol.
Yes it's been a long time since i write (wait no, i didn't even visit).
You know, many things happen. I'd love to write as much as i want the world to know, but time is the most limited thing in this world. Even for an unemployment like me.
This and that happen, and now i'm here at home for holiday since like 2 months ago (?). As usual, my parents expect me to work at office or at the shop. I do everything they ask (at least i think i do, cause yeah, my body really move to do those works). I join the meeting with tax consultant, join seminar here and there, controlling every shops, etc etc. I really think i have done some works. But then today, after 2 months almost end, i was being told:
"Why you do nothing? I told it's up to you to work at accounting, stock or display or anything. But you did nothing all this time"
That was feels like lightning struck in the middle of the day.
I-DID-FUCKN-NOTHING
All i did is nothing counted in my parent's head. All i did is lazying around. All i did is not giving any impact or help for the company.
Other probability is my parent never knew i really did something just because they didn't see it directly with their two own eyes. Is it mean you can judge people easily? We only have 2 eyes in one body, do you expect you need to see everything right in front of your eyes?
Come to think again, i don't even wish to have/get anything. Not even words of appreciation, cause i know my parents wouldn't have it for me. Come to think again, i just need them to recognize me. I really did something and they acknowledge it, that i am able to do something. But i got nothing like that. Not even close.
I need to say i receive so much sarcasm (i can't even count them) regarding how lazy and how stupid and how passive and how i am so useless to the company. But again, this actually don't motivate me to do something better. Let's say i am really useless, but hey, sarcasm don't help. I need instruction, coaching, training, etc to do better. Let's face it, in reality you need those instead a bunch of bullshit sarcasm.
In other time, after so much sarcasm i wish to give up. I start to believe i can't do anything. Should i just be a housewife of a doctor? And live a simple life with my children while waiting for husband to get home? I don't have any abillity anyway. I am stupid and useless to lead a company.
What's my master education going to do then? Few times... i really think to give up and stop. Other sarcasm about this is:
"What's the use of going college so far away and so long? You should've give any input for the company!"
- while anything i said is being rejected and non sense, they said. I keep trying but appreciation? Of course no. Only hurtful sarcasm. It hurt so much that i can't forget some of mean words.
While i'm trying to lift my spirit, to not give up, they said something like:
"Now you've grown up, there is no need for us to lead the way anymore. It's up to you what you want to be"
It was also a lightning struck.
As for right now, i still have regret cause i don't go to Psychology Faculty. I apply to one university but rejected. Feel like trying another but then again,
"Psychology? What the hell you will become!"
So i choose the safe way, Economic Faculty. It's not that i hate this, but i definitely not so into this.
Anyway, if you actually about to say "up to you", why not say it back then when i'm trying for Psychology? Now that i have done with economic, i can't do anything that is "up to you". My only choice is to run this company...
I believe i can't do anything about this. I know my parents work so hard up till now. And i did appreciate it, so much with all of my heart. That's why i'm always trying despite so much sarcasm and so much regret i have in my heart........
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| Empty Road, Empty Heart |
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